It’s a boy!

Posted by – November 19, 2015

For me, Sam’s delivery was full of awe, with a bit of fear. Each time there was a blip on the monitor, I was scared that something bad was happening to Jonna or Sam. I basically held my breath until she was out.

Allie’s delivery was instantaneous. There was no time for any real emotion, except when she refused to cry when she came out. She still refuses to cry, even after breaking her leg!

Josh was our first scheduled induction. Jonna’s blood pressure was high, and with her, ahem, “advanced age,” this put her in the “high risk” category. So, for the first time, we knew — or thought we knew — the day our baby was going to be delivered.

Things started to get a little strange the day before the scheduled induction, when Jonna told me that I didn’t need to go with her to hospital in the morning. She was told that the induction process would take 6-12 hours, so I could hang with the kids, then arrive later in the day. I hated this idea, as I didn’t want to miss my son’s birth, but figured the doctors knew what they were talking about.

I spent the day hanging out with Sam and Allie, then dropped them off at their respective foster homes for the next day or two. Sam was staying at her friend Gracie’s house, and Allie at my cousin’s house. I hated separating them, or even leaving them, but I figured it’d be a couple days at the most.

By the time I arrived at the hospital it was 4p. Jonna was nowhere close to labor. In fact, by 8p, they told us to go home and come back the next day. Home?! Yes, home. Since our girls were being cared for, we decided to make a night of it, and went out for a nice dinner. During the dinner, my VERY pregnant wife decided to order a cocktail. Apparently, at that stage of pregnancy, one drink is a non issue, but both I and the waitress gave her some very strange looks. I asked if she wanted an ashtray too.

The next day, we went back to the hospital. More of the same. Hours and hours of absolute nothing. Every time a nurse came into the room, Jonna would end up chatting with them about pop culture for an hour, then they’d leave. Finally, I lost my mind and barked, “Sorry, but can we stay on topic here? Can we discuss, you know, how to deliver this baby?” They looked at me like I was crazy. “In due time,” the nurse said, “the medicine needs to soften the cervix first.”

That night Jonna stayed in the hospital, but nothing was happening, so I went home to sleep. Still no baby. By day three, things were finally progressing, but 8p came and we still had no baby. Sitting on this shitty chair, in the sterile environment for hours on end, made me a bit punchy. I began pushing random buttons on the monitor, taking long walks down strange corridors, and getting into minor spats with an angry old nurse. I wasn’t the doting husband taking care of my wife’s every need. I wasn’t the anxious dad-to-be. I was the asshole who interrupted every conversation with, “OK, so who wants to have this baby now?”

Finally, by 9p, things began to kick into high gear. At one point, a nurse asked if I wanted to hold a light. “I can do that!” I thought to myself, and reached out to the lamp. As it turned out, she’d really asked if I wanted to hold a leg. Everyone looked at me, standing by the lamp, like I was crazy.

After 20-30m of pushing, I watched as my son took his first breath. Magical — even for the third time around. However, similar to Allie, Josh didn’t cry. I wasn’t disturbed by this, having been through it before, until they called doctor Jackass into the room. Doctor Jackass made no attempt to reassure me that things were OK. Instead, he just poked Josh and shook his head. Constantly. For fifteen minutes.

Jonna kept asking, “Is he OK?” I kept putting on my fake smile and saying, “Yup.” Then doctor Jackass said they needed to take our new son “upstairs.” At this point, Jonna became alpha mom, protective of her cub. She lit into doctor Jackass. The nurses reassured us he’d be fine, and he’d likely be back down in “a day or two,” but he needed help breathing.

I typically do a good job keeping my shit together. I’m usually the rock. But I lost my marbles when Josh left the room. I told Jonna I needed to run home quickly to walk to the dog (she’d be in a crate the entire day). I didn’t really care about the dog, I just needed some space. I stumbled out of the hospital, got in the car, and punched the steering wheel. As I drove home, a million thoughts raced through my head. I’m not religious, but I pleaded with someone/something to make my son OK.

Thirty minutes passed, and just as I was pulling into our driveway, Jonna called and said she’d heard from the nurses that Josh was doing much better. Thirty minutes after that, he was back in the room, in his mother’s arms. At that point, I exhaled. I raced back to the hospital and held my perfect baby boy.

Our family is complete!

No, really, we’re all done!!

2015 Television Rankings

Posted by – July 3, 2015

A couple of years have past since my last rankings. Let’s do it again!

New rule: I refuse to add a show for which I’ve only seen one season. Sorry, Fargo and Better Call Saul, as much as I love you, I’ve been burned in the past (I’m talking about you, House of Cards).

  1. The Wire
  2. The West Wing
  3. Twin Peaks
  4. Breaking Bad
  5. Rescue Me
  6. Sherlock
  7. The IT Crowd
  8. The Shield
  9. Black Mirror
  10. Silicon Valley
  11. Freaks and Geeks
  12. Broadchurch
  13. Sopranos
  14. Friday Night Lights
  15. Louie
  16. The Walking Dead
  17. Game of Thrones
  18. The Black Donnellys
  19. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
  20. Lost
  21. Sons of Anarchy

A few additional notes:

  • There are several newcomers to the list. There’s some amazing TV on right now, plus I finally left my US-only comfort zone.
  • Dexter was removed from the list due to the last couple of terrible seasons and an atrocious series finale
  • House of Cards was removed after the second season was a flop. The third season was better, but it still doesn’t belong on the list
  • Orange is the New Black had a great first and second season, but Season 3 was so bad I still haven’t made it past episode 7
  • Lost dropped in the list because as more time goes on, I’m more annoyed by how it came to an end
  • The Fall was removed because of a lackluster second season
  • Sons of Anarchy dropped in the list because of the final 3 seasons. Those were so bad, I came close to removing it from the list, but damn, that series finale was SO good

My favorite television shows (updated)

Posted by – October 1, 2013

In 2009, I ranked my favorite television shows. After the finales of Dexter and Breaking Bad, and the introduction of some great new shows, I decided to update my rankings. A couple of these (marked with an asterisk) are only one season in, and the jury is out as to whether they’ll remain as good.

  1. The Wire
  2. West Wing
  3. Twin Peaks
  4. Breaking Bad
  5. Rescue Me
  6. The Black Donnellys
  7. Sopranos
  8. Orange is the New Black *
  9. The Walking Dead
  10. Sons of Anarchy
  11. Lost
  12. House of Cards *
  13. The Shield
  14. The Fall
  15. Californication
  16. Friday Night Lights
  17. American Horror Story
  18. It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia
  19. Dexter
  20. Mad Men

As I remember it

Posted by – February 25, 2013

I just read Jonna’s blog post about Allie’s birth. It brought me back to that day, nearly nine months ago, and made me realize that I never recorded my version of the events. I’m nowhere near the writer that Jonna is, but I wrote about Samantha’s birth, and I want to write about Allie’s too.

Sadly, I can’t remember the specifics of where I was when Jonna informed me that she was having contractions. My memory begins with Jonna, Sam, and I driving to drop Sam off at school. We’d arranged for Jonna’s sister to pick Sam up, and we were planning on heading to the hospital after dropping her off. Or so I thought. Jonna was measuring her contractions with an iPhone app. She was talking normally and was quite relaxed. She was so relaxed that I didn’t ask her about the specifics.

As we pulled into the school, we bumped into a few of her girlfriends. My presence there was enough for them to quickly determine that Jonna was in labor. They clapped with excitement then asked, “How far along are you?” Jonna replied, “My contractions are five minutes apart.”

Um, what?

Now, I’m a fairly clueless dad. I don’t know half of the pregnancy stuff that Jonna knows, but this wasn’t my first rodeo. And from what I recalled, five minutes apart was pretty damn far along. As Jonna continued to CHIT CHAT with the other moms, my heart began to race and I started tugging her arm saying, “OK, time to go to the hospital.” After a couple of minutes she finally agreed and back in the car we went.

Then she told me that she needed to stop by the house to pick up some paperwork that she left there.

Um, what?

So, I dropped Jonna off at the house, while I ran out to pick up a prescription at CVS. Yes, I picked up a prescription. It sounds ridiculous, and it was, but I was gone for ten minutes while Jonna was grabbing her bag and her paperwork. When I got back to the house she was still dilly-dallying around, and I had to chase her out.

We got on the road and I punched in the address of the hospital into the GPS and began driving. I quickly realized it was taking me down an obnoxiously trafficy road for most of the way. I probably should’ve abandoned that route, but I didn’t want to get lost, so I stuck with it. Within 15 minutes we were in awful traffic.

Jonna continued to track her contractions on her app, and I continued to prefer blissful ignorance over asking her what it was reporting. I did notice that she was pushing the damn button really frequently though. After twenty minutes of fighting traffic, we were still only about halfway there. Jonna started to grimace and gyrate in her seat during contractions. At this point, I was seriously considering calling 911 to get a police escort. I was only a few minutes from the highway though, and I hoped that I could make up for lost time there.

By the time I got on the highway, Jonna’s contractions seemed constant. I turned into a Nascar driver at that point, doing 90 in a 55 and weaving through lanes. Jonna was so focused on her contractions that she didn’t notice this. If she did, she would’ve yelled at me (and the kid probably would’ve been born in the car). I remember thinking that if a cop tried to pull me over at that point, I wasn’t going to stop. I even practiced a hand motion to communicate “pregnant wife in labor.”

As we pulled into the hospital parking lot, I breathed a sigh of relief. This child was not going to be born in the car! I grabbed the bags and we quickly made our way to the maternity ward. We burst into the registration area looking frazzled, sweaty, and unprepared. The woman at the desk gave us a little contrived smile and asked us to take a seat while she finished up registering someone else.

Jonna said that she needed to use the bathroom. So, I grabbed the registration paperwork and began filling stuff out. There were two other couples in the waiting area. They seemed calm. I remember thinking how weird it was that for Sam’s labor, that’s how we looked, yet for our second child, instead of being relaxed by experience, we were acting like a couple strung out on crack. I took a deep breath to calm myself. And that’s when I heard a horrific moan coming from the bathroom.

I froze for a moment, looking at the other couples as their eyes got big. Then I sprang up, walked over to the registration desk and said, “No more waiting, we gotta go.” Another moan came from the bathroom and the woman at the desk immediately picked up the phone and called a nurse. Jonna came out of the bathroom just as we were approaching it. She looked scared and said, “I need to push.”

Oh shit.

From that moment on, we hit the fast forward button three times. Two nurses put Jonna on a gurney and whisked her into a small room. I grabbed our bags and struggled to keep up. By the time I got into the room, I heard them say, “the baby’s head is crowning, it’s time.”

Jonna kept repeating, “I have to push.” And they kept saying, “just hold on a sec, hon.”

Jonna then asked for an epidural.

“Sorry, it’s too late for that.” they replied.

Jonna got MAD and huffed, “I need one!”

“Sorry, it’s too late.”

Jonna became belligerent. “Well, I’m not doing it without an epidural.”

They calmly replied, “You’re already doing it, sweetie.”

Oh fuck.

They whisked her away to another room while a nurse tried to explain to me what was about to happen. Again, I picked up our bags and tried to keep up with the gurney. By the time I got into the new room, Jonna was pushing… sans drugs. In her blog post, she describes her moans as cavewoman-like. Yup, exactly that. I mean these moans were coming from a deep, dark place. And right at that moment, Jonna’s sister texted me asking for our wireless password. Of course, why would she think that we’d be in the middle of labor at that point.

Allie was born while Jonna was wearing her dress and I still had a bag strapped to my shoulders. As I did with Sam, I got to see Allie’s first breath. That is the most magical thing in the world and I’m so thankful that I got to see it again, considering the circumstances.

Unlike Sam’s birth though, Allie didn’t cry immediately. The nurse did the little snot suction thing and wrapped her up, but Allie just kinda sat there, quiet as can be. At first it didn’t bother me because I could see her moving around, but after a minute, I started getting nervous. They took Allie to the other end of the room and began poking around, but still no crying. Jonna was in bad shape at this point, so I didn’t want to make her nervous. She kept asking me, “Is she OK?” And I kept saying, “Yup, looks like it.”

I kept walking from one end of the room where Jonna was starring in a very gory horror film, to the other end of the room where a bunch of people were poking my silent daughter. I kept asking the nurse, “Is she OK?” And she kept replying, “Yeah, she’s fiiiine.” But her voice kept going up at the end and I didn’t entirely believe her.

Eventually, I stuck to Allie’s side of the room. Not because she needed me more, but because Jonna was fully sparring with the nurses at that point while they tried to fix her up with still no meds. My wife is the nicest person I’ve ever met, but those poor nurses took a beating that day.

It took about 30 minutes of poking and prodding, but we finally got the thumbs up that Allie was fine. My favorite explanation was that it all happened so fast that she had no idea she was outside of the womb. Labor is typically traumatic for the child, but in Allie’s case, she was basically teleported from womb to a comfy little basket.

And that’s the fittingly-dramatic story of how our family became five (don’t forget Sunny) and how I realized that I was married to a superhero.

Test driving JRuby 1.6

Posted by – April 7, 2011

I’ve been hacking away at ruby on rails for some time now, but I’ve never stopped to try out JRuby. That’s probably because I initially fell in love with rails after an eight-year stint in the java insane asylum. However, with the release of JRuby 1.6, I decided it was finally time to forgive Java, and see how hard it’d be to run our fairly mature ruby (1.9.2) on rails codebase with JRuby.

I already used RVM, so I used that to install JRuby 1.6:

$ rvm install jruby-1.6.0

Two minutes later, JRuby was installed. Easy enough. Let’s use it:

$ rvm jruby
$ which ruby

OK, we’re in business. I’m still not sure how different JRuby is, so let’s see what gems I have to start with:

$ gem list

*** LOCAL GEMS ***

bouncy-castle-java (1.5.0145.2)
jruby-launcher (1.0.7 java)
jruby-openssl (0.7.3)
rake (0.8.7)
sources (0.0.1)

Let’s get bunder installed:

$ sudo gem install bundler

And now, before I switch to my project and try a bundle install, let’s just see if I can easily install the rails gem:

$ sudo gem install rails
Successfully installed rails-3.0.6
23 gems installed

Easy! Alright, enough of this tip-toeing around, let’s see what happens when I switch to my project and try a bundle install:

$ bundle install
Fetching git://
Fetching git://
Fetching git://
Fetching source index for
Using rake (0.8.7) 
Using abstract (1.0.0) 
Using activesupport (3.0.6) 
Using builder (2.1.2) 
Installing mysql2 (0.2.6) with native extensions Gem::Installer::ExtensionBuildError: ERROR: Failed to build gem native extension.

Ugh. An error with the mysql gem. Is this the beginning of the end? Well, maybe not. A few minutes of googling and I discovered that JRuby needs a different gem for mysql. And there’s an easy way to conditionalize my Gemfile:

if defined?(JRUBY_VERSION)
  gem 'jdbc-mysql'
    gem 'activerecord-jdbc-adapter', :require => false
    gem 'rmagick4j'
    gem 'mysql2'
    gem 'rmagick'

(I ran into the similar problem with rmagick)

After making that change and running bundle install again, there were no issues reported. Hrm. This is too easy. Let’s see what happens when I try to start the server:

$ rails s
JRuby limited openssl loaded.
gem install jruby-openssl for full support.
=> Booting WEBrick
=> Rails 3.0.6 application starting in development on
=> Call with -d to detach
=> Ctrl-C to shutdown server
[2011-04-07 20:39:37] INFO  WEBrick 1.3.1
[2011-04-07 20:39:37] INFO  ruby 1.8.7 (2011-03-15) 
[2011-04-07 20:39:37] INFO  WEBrick::HTTPServer#start: pid=50128 port=3000

The server started up fine. I opened the browser and did a smoke test of the app and couldn’t find a single problem. HOLY CRAP that was easy! JRuby is an option. I’ll sleep a little better tonight knowing that.